He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
