walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
