I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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