just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
