high people should be assigned attendants
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize