Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
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Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
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