She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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