bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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