Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
