he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
