wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
