nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
