This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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