I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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