____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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