I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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