just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
