Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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