3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
