i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
