My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
