he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Randomize
