How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
