ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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