My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The best revenge is premature balding
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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