um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
