I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
vagina is talking i cant
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
