Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Drunk is not a location!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
