my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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