I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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