So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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