Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
