i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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