Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
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My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize