nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
