please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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