I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
