Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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