just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
