hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
