i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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