PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
