brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
