Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
