i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
