does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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