If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
