One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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