I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
