her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
