I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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