Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
