We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
