The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
