Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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