I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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