I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
