Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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